WHY I HATE GEJ: THE UNOFFICIAL CONFESSION OF EHL ROOFAI

I have just learnt that all those who attempted to bury truth in shallow graves of hate ended up dancing naked in the market square. Even in my well-starched caftan, my two unemployed daughters are ashamed of my macabre dance steps. I am afraid that they would commit suicide if they see me dance naked in either Garki or Wuse market in Abuja, especially now that we are approaching 2015. I love my two unemployed daughters but will be ready to dance naked in the market square if that would chase GEJ out of Aso Rock in 2015.

Unknown to very many persons, there is a big difference between political opposition and ventilation of hatred. For many years now, I have been hiding behind political opposition to deface anything that has the mark of GEJ on it. This is because I hate him with so much passion. The problem I am having is that the more I hate him, the heavier the burden of guilt and shame on my battered conscience.

My sound bites and threads on facebook and twitter are only a small measure of my hatred for GEJ. I hate to call that Niger Delta fellow president. I have no iota of regard for him. This is why I always put aside decorum and use foul language whenever referring to him. I once called him a scumbag and some of my well-mannered admirers got angry and deserted me. I do not care about how anyone feels concerning the way I treat or address GEJ. For me, he is not worth the feces of an almajiri. Many people do not understand that almajiris are tools in the hands of most northern elites, including me. GEJ has refused to dance to the drumming of the northern oligarchy, otherwise known as the cabal. We would therefore continue to oppose him as long as he remains adamant.  

My hatred for GEJ started in 2007. As an over ambitious young man, I had wanted to succeed my former boss, popularly known as Obijay. To win his heart, I ensured that all his desires, except the third term project came to pass. I worked against the third term project because I was in a hurry to be president too. To achieve this dream, I did so many abominable things, ranging from betrayal to blackmail. Among them all, Ah Tea Coup and Owe The Lee suffered the most. I am using this medium to beg for their forgiveness. Sadly, they have been venting their anger on GEJ, an innocent and lucky fellow from the creeks of Bayelsa State.

Ree Bad Do was a willing tool in my hands. I dictated who to attack and who to spare. Initially, Obijay was oblivious of my self-serving clandestine scheming. I had made him to believe that I was working hard to perpetuate him in office for another four years while the opposite was the case. To be frank, I respect Obijay for his serene spirit. He can sit on thorns and still beam smiles at you. He never betrayed any emotions even after learning of my treachery. Obijay turned my cunning into absolute foolishness. He waited until the last minute before punishing me for my duplicity. He went on to pick the former Katsina State governor, the late Umaru Musa Yar’Adua to succeed him. I was so livid with anger that I nearly drowned in the pool of envy. As if that was not bad enough, Obijay waded through the muddy swamps of the oil rich Niger Delta region to pick GEJ, who as deputy governor, and later governor of Bayelsa State, I gave no regard. This is my character. I am a very arrogant person. I am the most intelligent person in Nigeria. We actually need the most intelligent person to be president of this country. Do not mind my support for Boo Ha Ree. He is not intelligent enough to lead a country. Whether he becomes president or not, I will expose him if fails to do my bidding. It is good to work with people you can blackmail for personal gains. This is one of the sources of my wealth.

Power is sweeter than honey and stronger than alcohol. I have tasted and enjoyed power in both military and democratic dispensations. For now, I am like fish out of water. As an Ijaw man, I had expected GEJ to know what it means for a fish to be out of water. This is the crux of my anger. GEJ actually forced me to join forces with his haters.

Those who know me closely can attest to the fact that I dislike Boo Ha Ree; a hypocrite and dictator, who rolled out tanks to overthrow the Sha Ga Ree led democratic government about three decades ago. I have made several scathing remarks about him in the past. I volunteered to join forces with Boo Ha Ree just to bring GEJ down. I was therefore glad when he threatened to make Nigeria ungovernable if he failed in his second gun-less coup. A dictator is always a dictator. He went on to dictate to insurgents how to destroy Nigeria. Thousands of innocent persons have been killed and properties worth billions of Naira destroyed. If the Pee Dee Pee actually wants to win the 2015 presidential elections, they should pray that Boo Ha Ree emerges as the flag bearer of Ay Pee See. His Bo Co Aram link would be a big minus for the party.

Those who have been following political developments in the country will agree with me that my reactions to the activities of Bo Co Aram and other insurgents have been more of tacit support. This is because I am a supporter of every effort that would hurt GEJ politically. Bo Co Aram Haram has indeed been a thorn in the flesh of GEJ. I am also giving moral support to the Nor Tan Elders Four Rooms in its religious quest to chase GEJ out of Aso Rock and return power to the north in 2015. Should this happen, I am going to be a major beneficiary. This was exactly the same game I played during the Ab Do Sa La Me administration and became the invisible 2ic in Obijay’s government.

I have stated earlier that I am an over ambitious fellow. I can be unreasonable when I want something. This was why I failed woefully in all my briefs in the Obijay administration. Ordinarily, people are supposed to avoid me. It is just that politicians need people like us to help tie some loose ends.

Unlike most government officials, I do not steal directly from public treasury. In my peculiar style, I give undue favour to individuals and corporate bodies that know how to tell me “thank you.” This was how I made so much money as an accidental public servant. Most of the controversial decisions I took while in office were because of this. I do not have any regrets. After all, I have so many bills to settle. One particular bill that drains me is the largesse I appropriate to my mistresses, especially the married ones. In case you do not know, some other GEJ haters in the corridors of power are guilty of climbing adult trees.  

Because of the high level of hatred I have for GEJ, I criticize whatever he does, even when the occasion does not demand so. Take the case of the declaration of State of Emergency in Adamawa, Borno, and Yobe. It was clearly a good decision. All the opposition parties, excepting Ay See Enn supported the presidential action but I wept so profusely while the people of Adamawa, Borno, and Yobe were clapping for GEJ. With similar unpatriotic actions, I was able to fool several unsuspecting Nigerians in the past. I have succeeded in making many Nigerians see GEJ as a weak and unintelligent person. In real fact, we do not need a strong president. Obijay was a strong president and yet, Nigeria did not see the moon. What we actually need is patriotism on the part of political leaders at all levels.

I do not believe in patriotism. This is why I am supporting Ay Pee See with all my soul. According to a party chieftain, Ay Pee See backed Ah May She just to disgrace GEJ during the NGF election. Some major partners that formed Ay Pee See have also been supporting Bo Co Aram to achieve the same aim. They forgot that genuine political opposition does not seek to disgrace an incumbent president. This is why they will never win the Nigerian presidency for a very long time to come.

Democracy is not all about disgracing political opponents. The disgracing of GEJ has not put food on the table of any Nigerian. In the same vein, disgracing GEJ will promote unity, peace, and security in Nigeria. Bill Clinton created 14 million jobs. This feat was not achieved by disgracing anybody. It explains why my two daughters are still unemployed. Some of the things Ay Pee See are doing amounts to sabotage. In most developed climes, the support major Ay Pee See kingpins are giving to insurgents could be interpreted as treasonable felony. Let them thank God that GEJ is not like Obijay.

Some prominent figures in Ay Pee See believe the late president Yar’Adua sacrificed too much for peace and economic survival of Nigeria. Bo Co Aram is therefore an attempt to recoup what some northern elites claim their region has lost due to the amnesty programme for Niger Delta militants. This was the reason behind recent agitations that the federal government offer amnesty Bo Co Aram members too. This is a top secret we have been hiding from Nigerians. Ay Pee See will crumble if the masses get to know the underlying cause of insecurity in the north. Letting Nigerians know this will make it impossible for Boo Ha Ree to move freely in the North Central, North East, and South-East geo-political zones of the country.

Furthermore, there is so much poverty in the north because we, the elites from the region want it to be so. If poverty is reduced among northerners, our influence on the masses will be weakened. Quality education is the most viable platform to fight ignorance and poverty. This is why we have been resisting every attempt by GEJ to reform the Alimajiri system. Nigerians will recall how governor Ah Lee You, one of the few Ay Pee See sympathizers in Pee Dee Pee challenged Day Veed Mack on the Alimajiri issue. Any attempt by anybody to liberate these alimajiris would be viewed as an attack on our culture.

I detest people, especially governors who indulge in anti-party activities. Governors are supposed to be honourable men. Why should any governor on the platform of the ruling Pee Dee Pee support Ay Pee See cry foul when they are suspended? Are they not aware that it is immoral for any politician to live the life of a mole? They should simply pack their loads and leave the Pee Dee Pee quietly if they are not comfortable. In other words, it is seditious for politicians to sip fruit juice in the day and suck blood at night. Both witches and angels fly. Witches are not supposed to fly like angels. If caught while doing so, they would accuse GEJ of using EFCC to witch hunt them. I am yet to know of any country where angels were hunted. That is why in English language, we have “witch hunt” but no word or phrase like “angel hunt.” It is only witches that are hunted.  

Only recently, GEJ scored a massive political point against Ay Pee See. After instigating the crisis in the northern part of the country, we used our agents in government to make GEJ declare a State of Emergency. You will recall that sometime in 2010, GEJ told the whole world that there were Bo Co Aram sympathizers in government. Many did not believe him but he was right. The plan was to use them to mount pressure on GEJ to declare a State of Emergency, relieving all elected and political appointees of their jobs. We would have hurriedly mobilized some almajiris and other brainwashed elements to unleash violence on security personnel and properties of mostly southerners in the northern part of the country if he fallen for our trap and suspended the democratic structure in the affected states. Like his name, GEJ was too lucky. Instead of turning against GEJ as we planned, political leaders in those three states now see him as a good leader. We are very disappointed because peace is gradually returning to the north.

The Ay Pee See had intended to use insecurity in the north as a major campaign plank to discredit GEJ and chase him out of Aso Rock in 2015. We were ready to cut our nose in order to spite our face. Now that the Boko Haram option has crumbled, our next bet is to file behind the NEF. Its leader is very bold. He is doing a very nice job. The problem however is that he lacks tact and restraint. Personally, I do not care even if the activities of the NEF lead to Nigeria’s disintegration. I will simply relocate with my immediate family to Europe or America and leave my wretched northern brothers and sisters to clean the rubbish that will arise from our political rascality. This was what I did after the painful emergence of Yar’Adua. I will do it again if the NEF plunges this country into unnecessary crisis before, during, or after the 2015 presidential elections.

   

To be honest, GEJ has done well, considering the amount of mess he inherited. The problem is that I am forbidden from acknowledging this in public. If I do, he will contest and win the 2015 presidential elections with ease. I am ready to fight GEJ, even if it means breaking the cord that holds the various ethnic nationalities in the country together. This is one reason I said I am not a patriot even though progressives are supposed to be patriotic in character.

You will also recall that I complained recently at a public function concerning the plight of my two unemployed daughters. The truth is that I deliberately prevented them from working so that I can use it to campaign against GEJ in 2015. Nigerians know the important positions I occupied in Obijay’s government. Just a phone call can get any of my children well-paid jobs in any part of the country. Is it compulsory that every person look for employment? Some of the persons looking for job can actually create jobs and employ others. I can afford to open businesses for my two unemployed daughter. My action can be likened to the story of a witch in my village who killed his own son and shed drums of crocodile tears.  

A day after I shed crocodile tears about the unemployment setback of my two daughters, one of them explained to me how I committed a big blunder. She pointed out that their being unemployed is a huge indictment on the Ay Pee See. According to her, I would have scored some political points if any of the Ay Pee See governors had offered them jobs. She was right. Her younger sister went further to say she was tied of my hypocritical lifestyle. According to her, my abysmal failure in government is indirectly responsible for the high rate unemployment in the country. She was right. Had I been successful with the privatization programme under my supervision, the issue of unemployment would have been drastically reduced by now. My daughter concluded by arguing that I do not have any moral ground to criticize GEJ. Even though, I disagreed with her opinion, I knew inside of me that she was right. My only happiness is that Nigerians are so naïve. If not so, somebody like me is supposed to be stoned for criticizing GEJ. I just hope they would be naïve until after the 2015 presidential elections.   

Governor Ah Lee You told GEJ recently that he was only making noise (causing confusion) to attract attention. This is a very big lie. Governor You Good Da knows him too well. Ah Lee You is not a servant leader. You Good Da has sworn never to attend any meeting of the Northern States Governors’ Forum again because of the presence of dishonorable members. He believes that as governors, they are supposed to be upright in conduct. You Good Da is pained that 19 northern governors would agree on something only to have some dishonorable members rebel against reason. I am more honorable than Ah Lee You and co that speaks from both sides. I will accordingly seize fire as soon as GEJ arranges something for me.

I know the two champions of the opposition very closely. They all have something to do with Boo- jeering, hissing, and hooting. The truth is that they have nothing better to offer. Boo Ha Ree is a dictator with bias for ethnicity and religion. Apart from being a political entrepreneur, Tea Nu Boo is a civilian model of a dictator. He imposed candidates on Ay See Enn to enable him monitor his political investments. That is why Far Shore Lar has achieved far more than he has. Have Nigerians forgotten that Tea Nu Boo once instigated a move to impeach Far shore Lar? It was simply because of poor returns on investment.

Finally, I wish governor Ah May She good luck in his fight against the Pee Dee Pee. He should however forgive me if he fails. My worry is that I will miss his brown envelopes and free flights in his controversial jet. In addition to Tea Nu Boo, his godfather, I am the other person that encouraged him to take on GEJ. Many have forgotten his godfather’s relationship with Sir Lar Me. I pity O May Hear.

I have assured Ah May She that GEJ might win the battle but he will lose the war (election). My grandfather has told me that it is easier to make a party lose an election as a member. This is the only reason Ah May She is fighting the battle of his life to remain in Pee Dee Pee. Is this not a satire? It is!